Time.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3: 1,11 NIV)

I am breaking away from my sequence on posts relating to my personal journey from woundedness to hope, but today is one of those days with a clear, discernible theme. You know those days when you feel like everywhere you turn, God is giving you the same message…I liken it to being hit by a “holy 2X4” over my head, when God is supernaturally repeating Himself in earnest, to ensure that I don't miss it. Yesterday, the Ecclesiastes passage above was my devotional scripture. Throughout the day, I saw that scripture twice more, in random places. And also throughout yesterday, I was reminded of this truth that some things are seasonal, and some are permanent. And then today, our pastor announced that our worship leader is leaving our church and pursuing the next phase of his ministry call. And in other areas of my life, I am facing the reality that God has placed me in seasonal situations that I would prefer to be permanent. It’s hard. But He is always good, and He is God.

I am not God. He is.

To everything, there is a time. Some things are forever, some are for a season. We’ve all read the sappy/cheesy poems and quotes about it. But corny or not, it’s true. Sometimes, there is a permanence to the situations or relationships in our lives, and other times, there is not. But regardless of whether a relationship or ministry assignment or job or any other situation is seasonal or forever…He is always good, and He is always working on our behalf. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Rom 8:28 NIV).

Regardless of whether God has placed something or someone in our life for a short time, a long time, or permanently, “He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Ecc, v.11). What a beautiful promise.

His ways and thoughts are so much higher than ours. We say that often as Christians, but I wonder if we will ever really understand this truth that God sees the entire picture of our lives, and that we “cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end” (Ecc, v.11).

He sees our life story…from beginning to end… through a heart and eyes of love that go deeper, wider, and truer than any other love we can experience from any other.  Seeing it all and seeing it out of an unfailing love is a beautiful combination, don't you think? 

So with this beautiful truth, may we "lean not on [y]our own understanding, but in all [y]our ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct [y]our paths" (Proverbs 3: 5-6 NIV).

God, help me to trust in Your unfailing love, that You will make everything beautiful in its time.

Walking Wounded.

In the first twenty minutes of the movie Saving Private Ryan, an extremely graphic scene of the Omaha beachhead assault of June 6, 1944 is depicted. Although it was nearly twelve years ago, I remember seeing this movie on the big screen and will likely never forget some of the images in those first few minutes. The directors of the movie explained that the graphic nature of the opening scene was so that the viewer could truly understand the reality of war and the raw nature of wartime violence and death, which was critical to the viewer’s connection with the main storyline for the film. But the images that I remember most from this powerful movie are those of the walking wounded in that opening scene. Like the soldier who lost his severed arm and searched for it and picked it up, carrying it with him as he sought shelter from the enemy fire. Broken, dismembered bodies with one goal – survival. With severed limbs, trying to find refuge in the midst of warfare that they had grossly underestimated.

In my last post, I began to describe my journey from the valley of woundedness and pain to the doorway of hope. (Hos 2:14-15). Like the walking wounded in this movie scene, those of us walking in emotional and spiritual woundedness seek shelter, but with broken hearts and shattered spirits. Like the walking wounded soldier, we, too have one goal…survival. Survival in warfare that we had grossly underestimated. When we’re in survival mode, living isn’t really living, it’s more like existing. The difference between broken bodies and broken spirits is that we can hide a broken spirit. We can look like we have it together spiritually. But inside, we’re dying. And too proud to tell anyone about it.

If our wounded hearts are walled with pain, shame, and guilt, and our wills are walled with fear and anxiety, then where do we go for refuge and healing? Usually not to the One who can heal. Usually, to other people to fill the void that has consumed us, because even though we are wounded, we still crave love, joy, and peace. God created us to crave it. But we forget…(I forgot)…that there is only one True Source for our wholeness. We forget that He created us to crave it from Him. And to seek it from Him. For a long time, I lost sight that although God gives me the amazing blessing of experiencing love from others here on earth sometimes, that it will never be truer, deeper, or wider than His love, His joy, or His peace available to and flowing through me all the time.

Because my pain originated from some male figures in my life, I naturally gravitated to seeking my value and identity…my wholeness…from men. I suppose it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how that turned out. Maybe your pain originates from somewhere else, and you go to another source. How is that working for you? My guess is that it’s not working at all.

But there is good news.
Great news.
Wonderful news. 
The BEST news.

The heart of the Holy Spirit lives in those who believe and call upon the name of God and His ultimate sacrifice, the risen Christ. The heart of the Spirit in me…and in you…gives us direct access to the healing that can only be found through the mind and heart of Christ.

God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words. The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment: "For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?" But we have the mind of Christ. (1 Cor. 2:10-16, NIV).

As Christians, we talk about the “power” of the Holy Spirit, and often.  May we remember that the power of the Spirit comes from the heart of the Spirit, who only wants the best for us. If we allow our heart to meld with the heart of the Spirit, the walls come down. We receive his heart toward us, so we can give it to others. The way we give to and receive love from others is radically changed.

Our goal becomes so much more than to just survive.

We are no longer the walking wounded. We are alive, and we love without walled hearts. We live and love from wholeness.  The heart of the Spirit makes us whole.

The Chase.

In December of 2009, I began a journey that I had been avoiding for almost one year. Well, OK, if I’m being totally honest it was probably much longer than one year, but it was almost exactly a year before (November of ’08) that I had heard God clearly say “go”. I wrote about it here. Specifically, He said, “Melissa, I cannot release you into what I have for you until you allow me lead you from your pain to hope.” Not a destination I cared to see again. When you read my original post about it, you'll see that I chose to "go", and I had just stretched my foot out to take the first step when...yep, you guessed it.

Distraction. The enemy of my soul used Distraction to stall me (but he didn't win. He never wins. Keep reading...)

A year later, after a long, twisted, messy series of bumps and turns, the pain had only grown. My delayed obedience was nothing more than disobedience.

I was broken, hopeless, and at the end of myself. So I reluctantly said, “OK, God, I’ll meet you there, because I’m tired of carrying this around”. It seems silly, how simple it was to type that out just now. It almost makes it seem trivial. But I promise you, that was an extremely hard decision. Opening up a wound doesn’t feel good. It hurts. But that’s where the healing is. That’s where He is. That’s where freedom is.

With the Holy Spirit working through a trusted counselor to shepherd me through the process, I have placed one foot in front of the other, and walked into the valley of destruction that becomes Hope. I began to see the flowers in His hand, again. He compels me toward Him, draws me in, and my choice becomes having no other choice. He woos like no other.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth ..." (Hosea 2:14-15)

For the past six months, through the healing power of the Holy Spirit, my counselor and I have navigated through the mountains of unresolved pain-garbage that invaded my will and my heart like cancer. Out of my desire to guard my own heart by walling it off with the bricks of fear and the mortar of anxiety (and firmly braced by shame), I had been living my life trying to find my love, joy, peace, and value in others. That pain that I had never truly given over to Him was my prison.

And the scary part? I didn’t even know it.  Because I didn't "feel" bound. 

After all, I was serving God faithfully. I was called to ministry. I was speaking publicly.  I was at church every Sunday. I was tithing. I was spending time with God every day, in Bible Study and prayer.

I was pursuing him passionately. But not wholly. Because I wasn’t whole.

Yes, years ago I made a very purposeful decision to never look back at that pain.  But instead of allowing Him to meet me there, give me His perspective and truth about the brokenness, and heal my heart, I simply denied it was there.  I had never invited Him in to it. I had never met Him there.

What I had failed to understand for all of these years is that He chases my pain. He chases my fear. He chases my shame. He chases my guilt. He chases my heart.

The Holy Spirit desires to receive my pain, guilt and shame just as much as I desire to receive His love, joy and peace.

I’m being chased by the very One that I pursue.

There is much, much more.  The next few posts will be more about this journey from the valley of pain and woundedness to the doorway of Hope. 

Hitting the Snooze Button

Hi there...

I am thoroughly embarrassed at the length of time that has passed since my last post. Wow. That was a really long nap!

On April 1st, something happened both spiritually and mentally -- an unshakable, non-negotiable press to become more physically fit. So, I made some moderate dietary changes. I felt so good that I decided to hire a nutritionist/trainer. We started working together on April 15th, when I started the Maker's Diet and working out every day. Since April 1st, I have lost a total of 36 pounds! I still have a ways to go, but my resolve and motivation is stronger than ever.

Getting settled into a routine of waking up early (4:30 a.m.)to allow myself enough time for God time AND working out has required not only discipline, but also has had an effect on how I manage my time for the rest of my day. This has had an impact on my writing time...so I had to give in to the "snooze" button for a while. But I think I found my groove, so we'll give this another shot.

I'm so excited about all there is to share with you and learn from you. I love your responses through comments and emails, so keep 'em coming.

I'll be posting more, likely later tonight. So please stay tuned.

How He Loves.

Not long ago, during my quiet time, I tried something a little different than usual. I was in a bit of a dry season. You know what I mean, right? Maybe it’s just me, but there are times when I don’t feel connected to God in my prayers, or when I simply don’t connect with God’s Word. I wanted to go deeper and overcome this separation that I felt from God. So, I put to practice a prayer method that I had learned about some time ago, but had never tried myself. Lectio Divina is an ancient, intentional approach to reading Scripture and experiencing God's Presence and His Word through reading, meditation, prayer, and contemplation. First, the Scriptures are read slowly, with an open ear to the voice of the Spirit identifying the new truth He desires to reveal. Then, time is taken to meditate upon what was heard,  which leads to prayer (dialogue with God), and finally, a time of simply resting in His presence. It’s a beautiful, intentional, longer-than-my-normal-quiet-time process. And one that I intend to repeat often.  Very, very powerful.

After I had finished with that part of my quiet time, it was blatantly clear that God was revealing to me through His word that I do not accept His love, forgiveness, or grace very well. I so often quantify His love and grace by my performance. Can you relate? Is it hard for you to truly accept His love because you’re not “good enough”? It’s just so difficult to understand His love for us with our narrow, human, finite minds!

I wanted to continue my time with Him, so I felt led to put on some worship music and just continue to rest, and to praise. I heard…

“Oh…How He loves us so. Oh, How He loves us…”

You know the song, right? In my view, one of the most incredible worship songs ever written.

He had my attention, and I was in the zone. But then something happened. I tried to personalize the song, to truly claim His love for me.

“Oh…How He loves me so….Oh, How He loves me…”

I couldn’t do it. I literally could not form the words and melted into my fear, shame, and guilt. I was overcome with embarrassment over His love for me. How could he possibly love me? After all of the things that I have done, how could he possibly love me? Realizing that even if I was the only one on earth, He still would have sent His son to die for me sent me into a pit of shame.  despair.  unworthiness.  pain.  guilt.

A pit of lies told to me by the enemy of my soul.

The reality of the depth of the condemnation that I held against myself for what I had done, even though I “knew” He had forgiven me, hit me hard.  Even though I knew He had forgiven me, the old and already-canceled sin still held power over me.

A-Ha.  I found my wall.  I found my breaker.

In the time that has passed since this experience, there has been breakthrough.  Some walls have come down and I’m learning to more freely receive God’s love and grace. We can’t give what we don’t have, so we need to receive His love and grace so that we can pour it out to others.

You’re going to see more posts from me about the strongholds that are being knocked over like Lincoln Logs by an angry 2 year old. They’re going down, one after the other, and it’s amazing to experience a new level of intimacy with God that I didn’t even know was possible. Yet even still, sometimes it remains challenging for me to accept His love and grace freely given.

I have come to realize that I do indeed receive His forgiveness. But here’s the part I was missing. Not only does he forgive our sin, but He actually breaks the power of canceled sin over me. How awesome is that. Many of us have sung the very words many times, from the hymn “O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing”. Check out the last verse.

“He breaks the power of canceled sin, He sets the prisoner free”…

Do you get how awesome that is? God KNEW that even when we receive His forgiveness, that we in our nature would allow ourselves to continue to feel condemned at times. But the Truth is that upon repentance, God sees us as blameless. Not only does he cancel our sin, but he breaks the power of that canceled sin over us.

Hear it again: He forgives your sin. And then He breaks the power of that canceled sin over you.

Receive it. Freely.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).

 Oh, how He loves you so.

Dear Fat Melissa...

I confess. I have been holding back, which is why you haven’t seen posts in the past couple of weeks. Wow….wow. The journey has been intense. To be honest, I have struggled with what to write. I promised in my first post that I would be transparent and real here. But in this season, the “real” stuff I’m dealing with is pretty big and rather humbling! I have wondered what you will think of me. But God has shown me time and time again that transparency is worth the risk.

Today is the end of an era for me. It wasn’t a “today” epiphany, but one that God has been dealing with me about for weeks now. But today is “that day”…the day I let it go and allow God to take control of a serious stronghold in my life.

I don’t think I need to give too much backstory on this…it pretty much speaks for itself. This is a letter I wrote to myself today. Well, my old self. Whether it’s weight or something else, if you have struggled with laying down a stronghold, then you know it’s difficult to articulate the thought process. This letter may not make sense to you, and that’s OK. But I have a feeling some of you will be able to identify with it.

Please pray for me on this journey, and for those who are leading me through it.

Dear Fat Melissa,

I’ll bet you weren’t expecting a letter from me. But I’m afraid the time has come. It’s time for you to go.  We have been “friends” for nearly 4 years now and have been through a lot of joys and heartaches together. You have been my constant.

This may sound strange, but I will grieve over losing you, at least at first. I don’t think it will be easy to let you go, and I cry over the thought of letting you go as I write this letter. It’s scary to think about my life without you. I have placed my protection in you over these years. I’ve hidden behind you, using you as my excuse not to live, love, and serve others. I have allowed you to enable me to simply exist…but not to live. I have named you as my excuse (if not outwardly to others, then inwardly to myself) that I am unworthy, unable and unequipped to do the things God has called me to do, and to be who He has created me to be.

You have been my shield and guard against allowing others to get "too close" to me.  I have placed my security and safety in you.

Overall, you have made me uncomfortably…comfortable.

The thing is…I don’t hate you. Somewhere along the way, I actually came to accept you and worked hard to learn to love you. But God has changed my heart to begin to understand and reflect His Best Melissa. I now understand that my clothing size doesn’t change who He has created me to be or His love for me…and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made for His purpose. However, in that truth lies the revelation that I am not His Best Melissa if you are here.

He has equipped me, He has called me, and He loves and guards me. He is my protector, and He has created me for wholeness, health, wellness, love, compassion and grace. No offense, but I don’t need you anymore. You no longer define me. He does.

In a weird way, I feel grateful to you. So thank you. I wouldn’t be here without you.


Sincerely,


His Best Melissa

Rerun: Ready, Set, Jump!

Well, hello again!  I did not intend to take a week-long blogging break, but my long Emmaus weekend plus a seriously nasty sinus/upper respiratory infection has had me grounded until today. 

I have so much to share, so I hope you'll keep checking in...but for now, I think the best depiction of my thoughts lately is from a post that I wrote back in July of 2008...and especially today after a compelling phone interview regarding a HUGE academic opportunity (fabulous, God-ordained, but a little scary).  After my call today, my thoughts immediately evoked memories of a prior season in life...and the assurance that God covered me then, and He will certainly cover me now.  I think I'm finally starting to get that.  Finally.

So...an encore presentation of the post from July 11, 2008.  Enjoy the rerun.

Ready, Set, Jump.

When I was in elementary and middle school, I was not a big fan of Phys Ed class. I hated it. I was a prissy little girl, concerned with my clothes and my hair. I hated to sweat. And for those of you who know me, you know that those things have not changed very much. (OK, so my brief stint in mountain biking several years ago was fun, but it didn’t last. I was, however, the only biker on the trail with riding gear that ALWAYS coordinated with the color of my bike, and lips perfectly lined with kiss-me-red lipstick. I fell. A lot. But if I was going to fall, at least I looked darn good doing it.)

Anyway, despite my disdain for Phys Ed class, and my utter lack of athletic prowess, there was one activity that I loved. The Standing Broad Jump. The fact that I can say that I enjoyed anything related to track and field events makes me laugh out loud. But as a kid, I loved this. For those of you who may not remember, this was a game where you would stand at a line, just behind a sand pit. Our teacher would shout the cue…”Ready, set, jump!” And from a standing position, you would jump into the pit, and the length of the jump was measured. The farthest jump was marked by a yellow flag in the sand. The person who jumped the farthest, with both feet landing together and not falling backwards, was the winner.

I am not sure why I loved this little event so much. Perhaps it was because it wasn’t a contact sport. Or maybe it was because I didn’t have to run and get all sweaty. I loved that it wasn’t “Dodgeball” day, when I literally feared for my life. I’m not sure what the lure of a pit of sand and a yellow flag held for me. But there was just something about standing still and summoning all of the strength I could muster from standing firmly planted on solid ground to propel myself as far as I could into the “sandbox”, not knowing where or how far forward I might land. I jumped with all of my strength, as high as I could. I remember Mrs. Stafford, my P.E. teacher, suggesting to us that we look at the yellow flag from the longest jumper and focus on a mark past it. I would fix my eyes on the asphalt waiting on the other side of the sand and would mentally charge myself to jump as close to it as possible.

Tonight, as I write this, I feel like a child again, standing at that chalk jump line. Just as I stood on the asphalt at the line as a child, I now stand firm on the solid ground that comes from knowing that the course of my life is in the God’s Hand and in His control.  But He is now asking me to jump, yet again. All I can see from my perspective is a desert of sand ahead of me. But what a gift it is to jump from that standing position. He is the solid ground from which I will propel. But I must admit, it’s still a little scary. There is a weird mix of adrenaline, excitement, anticipation, and curiosity about what is next...and when. I know that at the perfect moment, He will call me to bend my knees, push off, and fly across the desert, that Great Divide, to the very spot that He has already marked for me with the flags of His promises and faithfulness. I can rest in knowing that He will ensure that both of my feet hit the ground and that I don’t fall backwards.

I have to remind myself that I must place my security in who God is, and not in the circumstances swirling around in my life. Sometimes it is hard, because the circumstances seem to be the reality of life. But the true reality is not in the circumstances…the true, unwavering reality is in our great God who sees the entire picture and is always working on our behalf.

One of my favorite verses is Hosea 2:14.  Paraphrased, it says:  So now I am going to draw her back to me. I will allure her into the desert. There I will speak tenderly to her. . . when she rests in me, I will give her back her vineyards.

This verse reminds me that He calls us to see the invisible, to commit to the impossible, and to do the outrageous. He never calls us to do what we can — only to do what He can through us. He calls us to rest and to live in His faithfulness, and only then can He return us to the vineyards of His fruitfulness in us. God will lure us into the desert sometimes —circumstances beyond us—and He asks us to endure the desert with no other thought than that His great heart will sustain us. And may we remember that the desert is all about discovering the faithfulness of God.

Ready... Set... Jump!